It’s been a few weeks since I’ve been here. I ended up in a slump for awhile. Riding lots of insomnia. Had lots of frustration and anxiety filled days and numerous moments of near relapses, but I’ve maintained my sobriety from both alcohol and smokes. I couldn’t believe it when I hit the Day 30 mark because that was my original goal, to see if I could make it 30 days. Here I am at day 36, woohoo!
So I’d been thinking about giving up this blog for a little while and just feeling downright discouraged about my journey the past few weeks. I’d been thinking of going back to it and falling for that voice in my ear telling me I can be a responsible drinker. I kept thinking who am I to try to share what I am going through or feeling about this whole lifestyle change thing and who really cares? But at the very least, even if no one reads it, it’s making me feel more accountable to myself to try to collect my thoughts around it and get it out sometimes by writing.
But now I have something else to help me continue on my sober mama journey and it’s given me a renewed sense of purpose to keep sobriety at the forefront of my mind.
I think it will be a little easier to stay the course, obviously having a health reason to help keep me on the right path, but when I was pregnant with my daughter who is 19 months, I did still drink a little, although I did quit smoking during that time. Unfortunately, I remember telling myself through that pregnancy that I would become that kind of drinker, the one who would have only a glass of wine or half a glass of beer here and there and not drink much. I also told myself I’d never touch a cigarette again. Once my daughter was born though, my mind immediately went to how much I deserved to have a drink and a smoke again. After all I’d been through being pregnant, I deserved a reward. It wasn’t long before the very conservative drinker went way, way downhill from there and before I knew it, I was hook line and sinker back into drinking and smoking nearly every day. and struggling with depression, anxiety, shame, guilt, frustration, burying my emotions in the bottle.
I am certain that if I slack off of thinking that the sobriety thing isn’t worth pursuing and that just because I’m pregnant I’ll be in control, I’ll end up where I was the last time I was pregnant and then end up where I was right after I was pregnant. Deep in the mire of problem drinking and miserable with my life.
I went to a bridal shower a couple days ago and it was that morning I had taken the above pictured test and even though I knew I was pregnant at the shower, that voice told me that one mimosa wouldn’t hurt and that the wine tasting game they had prepared for the bride was so minute of an amount that of course I could partake. But you know what? I stuck to my guns and politely declined and opted for coffee and San Pellegrino instead and I excused myself and went into the other room while some of the girls were partaking in that wine tasting game.
It’s become so clear to me over the past couple of days of knowing I am pregnant that I have to keep my sober mama journey centered at all times. I want to hold onto my past behaviors and keep it in the forefront of my mind throughout my pregnancy. I want to build my arsenal up to be ready for battle when I do have my second child, because I know with every fiber of my being that the same old me is going to try to come out and beg for me to go for the old habits and toxic behaviors and convince me I deserve/need the crutch of alcohol and cigarettes and I deserve the reward of it, especially after the whole pregnancy thing and just being a parent in general to a toddler and new baby.
My game plan is to stick with writing here and visiting social media I’m involved with and changing my lifestyle habits, replacing the old, toxic stuff with good, healthy activities. Reading about alcohol and sobriety and reflecting on my relationship with it and how I’m going to stay true to my sober mama journey during this pregnancy and beyond.